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What It Means To Be Alive, Part 2 (Page 3 of 5)
By Hephaestus

Summary: The nature of love and what it means to be human.
Author's Profile: @ fanfiction.net
Part of a Series: This is Part 2 of the sequel to They Did Not Fade Away.
Disclaimer: Joss owns all. No copyright infringement is intended.
Author's Comments: Thank you to everyone who has been reading this story. Special thanks to all those who take the time to review. I live off of those reviews! I have tried to correct all the spelling and grammar errors for the second part of this story, please let me know if I make mistakes, though, I will gladly fix those that I miss. Thank you so much for the positive feedback and constructive criticism, I greatly appreciate it.

. . .

Chapter 45

Everyone in the room seemed to freeze in the exact position they had been in. Connors’ jaw was glued to the ground as he stared at the woman who was now closing the door to the conference room. Her face remained passive but Angel could read her body language, she was nervous. Wearing skinny jeans, low black heals and a yellow sleeveless shirt, she walked towards the group.

Sitting down uneasily, she folded her hands in front of her on the table. “So I guess I’m the other woman.” She managed a tiny smile. Cordelia had known the moment she had woken up to find her apartment void of other life that Angel had gone and gotten himself in trouble. There was no way, if she had been Buffy, that she would have thought Angel free of any guilt. Knowing Angel would have to be beaten and tortured to reveal that she was alive, Cordelia had decided to go to Wolfram and Hart and save Angel from his own stubborn pride.

Connor dropped heavily into a seat. He could not stop staring at the woman in front of him. Everyone in the room save for Angel and Will looked as if they were looking at a ghost. Will was hiding his surprise well; he was shocked the woman had shown up in front of all of them. She had seemed so vehement about keeping her new found life secret.

“So...I guess you guys want to know which way is up. I got into trouble and was sent back here. So here I am. I’ve been here a while; I wanted to get adjusted to living again before I told you all I was back. Angel came to see me to talk about Connor. He wanted to know if I had any visions or could give him any leads. I couldn’t. And instead of letting him fall on his sword, here I am like a good friend.”

Fred had stopped pacing and was now just staring. Allie was again sleeping in her mothers’ arms. “You’re alive.” She said it as a statement instead of a question.

Nodding, Cordelia tried to smile again and failed. She didn’t have the energy to pretend she was happy. She had hoped to live in anonymity for as long as possible and instead she had felt forced to reveal herself to people she thought she no longer knew. Feeling vulnerable, as if she was under a microscope, she fought not to squirm in her seat.

Gunn looked at her, alarmed and slightly afraid she was evil again. “You got really skinny.” His mind was still processing that Cordelia was alive and well and sitting in front of him. He had thought never to see her again.

“I’ve been working out.”

They sat for a while longer before Connor broke the silence. “Angel went to see you last night?”

Nodding slowly, she pursed her lips and cocked her head before answering. She wanted to phrase what she was about to say in a very delicate manner. “Angel came to me for answers. I didn’t have any he was looking for.”

Form the look on Connors’ face, it was clear that he wasn’t totally convinced. Cordelia decided that she wasn’t going and try to make him believe her. Sighing, she dragged her hand over her hair and leaned back in her chair. “This is a mess. I know it. Can we move on from here?”

Shaking his head, Wesley rubbed his eyes as he spoke, “Cordy…you’re alive; sent back from the higher planes of existence. You’ve been for here for however long without telling anyone but Angel. I…don’t know what to make of any of this.”

Gunn interjected before Cordelia had a chance to comment. “You said you got in trouble?”

She hesitated and licked her lips before she found the right words. “I was forbidden from seeing or influencing any of you, especially Angel. I was his seer for too long, they thought I wouldn’t be able to objective. They were right, I wasn’t. I sent Angel a vision. I wasn’t expecting to get kicked out for it, but I was. They sent me right back here. I was…well, I needed time. And I couldn’t stay on the streets, so I went to Angel.”

Connor was still stunned but was rapidly rallying his senses again. “So…no one has any information about who killed my family? You don’t know anything, Angel doesn’t know anything and there were no real leads last night?”

Nodding, Angel spoke in a quiet voice, “We came up empty handed.” He felt as though he had failed his son in many ways.

A devastated look passed over Connor’s face before he quickly made it disappear. “I guess that’s it, then.”

“Connor…” Cordelia moved closer to the table, a pensive look on her face. “Connor, I don’t think you will ever have any satisfactory answers. I’m so sorry for how everything turned out. It wasn’t meant to happen this way.” She let her words hang in the air, knowing full well that Angel grasped all the underlying meanings and praying that Connor wouldn’t.

Standing, Connor started for the conference room door. Turning momentarily, he looked back to his father, “You should call Buffy.” With that said, he disappeared through the doors.

Angel was the next to rise, “I have to get to work.” Striding from the room with purpose, he was gone before anyone had a chance to stop him.

Cordelia leaned back in her chair. She hated the building she was in; she hated what it stood for. Even knowing everything Angel had done to destroy the evil within the company, the evil that had spawned the company, she was almost positive that he would never be able to fully reach his goals for Wolfram and Hart. She hadn’t approved of his decision when he had first agreed to work for Wolfram and Hart and she still had many doubts about his running the empire. Absolute power corrupts absolutely, she thought to herself. In the same thought, though, she was hoping that Angel would never have to fight that kind of personal corruption.

Looking towards the other people in the room, Cordy doubted her relationships with any of them would ever be the same as they once were. Cordelia doubted she could ever just sit and enjoy ‘girl-talk’ with Fred, or joke with Gunn. She felt to numb inside to do any of those things. In an instant, her mind reached a conclusion. Feeling as if a weight had been lifted from her shoulders, she smiled at the people in front of her.

“I have to go. You all have things to do and I have visions to see.” Standing slowly, she walked to Fred and gave her a quick hug before kissing Allie on the top of her head. “I see you all another times,” she lied. Cordelia turned to the door and was gone before her actions had fully registered with anyone still sitting at the table.

will had an idea where the brunette was going. He had always suspected that she had stayed in the city for Angel. Angel was a different man, Will knew, a man that had a child on the way and a woman he wanted to marry. Angel could no longer afford to rely on his seer to such a great extent as he had. It was time for both of them to cut their ties, not entirely, but somewhat. They had finally realized the only way to move on was to move apart. Everyone who had been with Angel during the days of Angel Investigations had grown with their leader; they had evolved throughout the years as a team, a collective unit. Cordelia had not been a part of that unit for a very long time; it had been over four years since her death. As much as Cordelia cared for Angel, and vice versa, Will was relieved they had come to the conclusion that it was time to part ways, at least for a little while.

Breathing out a low sigh, Will stood and stretched. It seemed the crisis of the morning had ended. Still hoping to apologize to Dawn, he left the room and walked in the direction of the stairwell that would lead to her office. He knew that he would have to talk to Angel eventually, to make sure everything was alright between he and Buffy, but for the moment his own relationship problems were going to take precedence.

The others in the conference room looked at one another. Fred was the first to break the tension that laced through the room. Her stress levels had been so high lately that she felt as though if she did not laugh she would surely implode. Sitting down with Allison still in her arms, she tried to get her laughter under control. It was ridiculous to think that her former best friend was back from the dead and had been in the office for a time without any kind of reconnection. Standing again, Fred asked Wesley to bring the bassinet to her office as husband and wife left. Wesley was shaking his head; he felt too accustomed to the idea of such intensity; he felt he should be more shocked.

It took only a moment for Gunn to leave to find Faith. He had been planning on asking her to lunch all day. Leaving only Xander in the large room, the one-eyed man leaned back. He had been purposefully silent throughout the entire saga. Having lost the woman he loved in Sunnydale five years ago, he found it difficult to be around his first love again. Cordelia reminded him of all the things he would rather forget, including Sunnydale and the life he had there once upon a time. His chest ached a little when he remembered what love felt like.

Pushing his thoughts from his mind and his chair from the table, he rose to leave. His mind waged an internal war as he walked the halls. Half of him wanted desperately to find and reminisce with his ex-girlfriend; the other half wanted nothing to do with anyone that reminded him so intimately of a past he thought was best left forgotten. Stalking the halls, Xander waited for his mind to make it itself up.

. . .

Chapter 46

There was a slight noise directly outside her doorway. Looking over her desk, she saw a piece of folded white paper that she almost instantly recognized. Furious, Dawn stood and grabbed at the paper, ready to tear it to tiny shreds. As her hands were about to move, a pressure somewhere within her conscious stayed her hand. Sighing, she sat down and stared at the note before opening it.

It was a few moments before she could get her breath. She closed the note with shaking hands only to open it a moment later and read it again. Only a few eloquently written lines made her feel as if she was about to come undone at the seams. He was declaring his love for her, she realized. Not yet ready to forgive him for sleeping with Faith, Dawn rose and started to Will’s office. Gathering her strength on the walk up the few flights of stairs, she was ready to pick a fight she could win.

Without knocking, she opened the door to his office and strode in, throwing the note on his desk as she did so.

“Is this for real? Like, really real? Because I need to know if you’re just trying to save your ass or not.”

Setting his pen down, he looked at the woman standing before him. “It’s for real, Dawn. Really real.”

She sat down and crossed her knees, straightening her skirt as she did so. “You love me. I don’t believe it. Will…I keep wanting to call you Spike. Do you know that? Every time I address you, I have to stop myself from using that name. I still see you as the bleach blonde bad-ass that took a beating to keep me safe from Glory. Will, I want you. I think you are incredibly hot; I have crushed on you since the first days I met you. But…love?”

Leaning forward, he put his hands flat on the desk to keep from hitting it. “If you don’t love me, what right do you have to have any opinion about who I sleep with?” His voice rose as he spoke, his mind could not comprehend the contradictions this woman seemed to be full of.

“I want to be with you! I don’t want to look at you and imagine another woman all over you! But I don’t want to fall in love, either.”

“Why the bloody hell not? It’s fun, it’s crazy, it makes you hurt like no other. I love being in love!”

“Hah! You have the hurt part right! If I fall in love with you and you leave me, what then? What do I do with myself then?”

He sat back and tilted his head at her. She was afraid of love, which he thought odd at first. His mind worked quickly through the past few years, though, and realized where that particular pathology could have come from. He suddenly thought her avoidance of love wasn’t all that strange.

“Dawn…look…I’ve been hurt too. I’ve had very, very bad relationships. I don’t need to tell you that; you were there for some of them. I don’t want that with you, I want something real for once. We’re good together, you know that. And I don’t want to be with you without moving on to something more. I don’t want to have sex and go out to dinner and forget about each other the rest of time except when we want to have sex with other people. That’s insane.”

“It’s not! I want an exclusive relationship that won’t get to serious or demand too much. Is that too much to ask?”

“Yes.” He answered without hesitation, “men have been asking that of women for a long time and it hasn’t been accomplished yet. I can’t love you and not say it. I can’t love you and not expect the same in return.”

She was annoyed with him. She hadn’t chosen him to love; she hadn’t decided to seduce him so he would fall in love her. She considered this turn of events to be very unfortunate. “Why are you so difficult? We were so good for a while. It was fun and there was no pressure. We were doing great!”

“And then you dumped me! And when I slept with someone else you exploded! Explain that.”

“I…” She took a breath and paused. She had very little explanation for that, in fact. “I want you all to myself. I’m selfish. And I only dumped you because you want something I can’t give.”

“You can’t have only part of me, Dawn. I’m not that guy anymore. I have actual feelings now.”

Her voice became very soft. “You had feelings before. I remember how much you used to feel.”

Ignoring that last sentiment, he decided to take a different tact. Standing, he walked around to the front of the desk and sat on the edge a few inches away from her. “Dawn, I love you. I have been falling in love with you since the first time we slept together. Sorry, love, but that’s how it is. You’re great, perfect actually. I can’t let you go. If you won’t be with me I will be forced to chain you in my basement.”

“You don’t have a basement.”

“I’d have to build one.” He crossed his arms and stared at her. She didn’t understand his humor, which he had counted on for getting him out of such deep water. “Dawn, get it through your skull. I don’t want a limbo, I want something real.”

“Real hurts people. Look at Buffy and Angel! Look at you and Buffy! Love makes people nuts, it makes them hurt people.”

“No. Angel’s demon made him hurt Buffy and everyone she was close to. My demon made me hurt Buffy. Angel ran away from Sunnydale to keep from hurting her again. His love for her made him leave in order to keep her safe. My love for her made me travel half way across the world and get a soul. Love is not a bad thing, Dawn.”

“I don’t want anyone to love me like that. Love that intense is not for me.”

“Love that isn’t that intense isn’t love at all. If a person isn’t willing to die for their partner, then they aren’t in love. I am willing to go around the Earth a thousand times for you. I’d die for you. Dawn, you have turned into such an amazing woman. Who could give you up for any reason?”

Standing, she made a loud grunting noise that Will assumed meant she was angry. “Will! Listen to me! You’re not listening to me! I don’t love you!”

“Of course you do.”

“You idiot!” Turning towards him with her hands on her hips, she looked at him with a look very clearly meant to convey that he was stupid and she was annoyed with by that. “How else can I say this to you? Do you want it in Latin, Sanscrit? Should I write it down?”

“You love me. You’ve loved me since you were fourteen. You love me.” He looked so sure of this that she started to believe it for a moment. Only a moment, though.

“I can’t handle you. We play on my terms or we don’t play at all.” Turning, she started for the door.

He grabbed her arms and spun her around to face him before she could reach the door handle. “You’ll destroy me. I can’t live without you. You’re the voice in my head every morning and every night. In less than a year, I have completely fallen in love with you. I have chosen to love you entirely and for no other purpose than it makes me happy. I want to make you happy too. Give me that chance.”

Frozen in terror, frozen from her own fear of letting go and letting someone in, she shook her head infinitesimally. She couldn’t let herself be so controlled by another person, be so influenced by another human being. If she couldn’t use her body to her benefit, get want she wanted and have a clear opening to the first escape route, she didn’t want anything to do with the relationship.

Pulling from his grasp with the last bit of strength she had left, she shook her head again and turned from him, fleeing the office as fast as she could. Her breath caught and she felt as though she was going to suffocate if she spent another second in Will’s presence. Once in her own office, she closed the door and leaned against it, trying to catch her breath.

Sitting down again in his chair, Will reached for the note and the lighter he kept in the top desk drawer. His days of smoking on the roof with Angel were long over, but he had kept the memento. Lighting the folded piece of paper on fire, he watched it burn until it reached his finger tips; only then did he drop into the trash can. Sighing, he watched the other papers catch fire.

A twisted smile came to his lips as he watched the waste paper basket turn into a burn barrel. He let the papers blaze for a minute or so before deciding to suffocate the flames. Setting his brief case over the top to stop the oxygen flow, he waited a while before lifting the case. Smoke billowed from the basket and into the room. The charred side of his briefcase smelled like something akin to burning flesh.

Looking up, he watched the smoke detector start to blink red. Within seconds, the sprinkler system in his ceiling had activated, soaking the entire room. Within seconds, he was drenched with cold water. Staying in his chair, his eyes bore into the waste basket as he watched the remaining ashes of his letter disintegrate under the spray of the water.

It was another second before someone had rushed into his office. One harsh word was enough to send whoever it was running. Whoever it had been, Will surmised, had called the security system, because a few moments later the water was off and his phone was ringing. Assuring security he was fine in a few coarse words, he hung up the phone and stared out over the city.

The wet shirt sticking to his body and the smell of burnt leather and paper reminded him he was alive and made him wish he wasn’t all at the same time.

. . .

Chapter 47

Hanging up the phone, Angel sighed heavily before putting his head in his hands. Will was going to burn down the building as a declaration of his undying love. Angel thought it ironic that only he and Dawn would know the reason behind the martyrdom. He had tried to reason with his former ex-vampire compatriot, but the effort had been wasted. Will was in no mood to hear reason from anyone.

He had been moved to a temporary office and Angel had sent down clothes for him to change into. The last he had heard, though, Will had refused to move from his water logged hidey hole. Angel had ordered crews in to clean up even if it meant they had to tranquilize the vice president.

Lifting his head, Angel looked at the phone once more. He had called Buffy over ten times and she hadn’t answered the phone once. He was cursing his caller I.D. He briefly considered leaving for home but thought better of it. Buffy would probably throw a table at his head again. Deciding he was better off allowing her time to cool down, he tried to concentrate on the paperwork in front of him. It was impossible to do.

Standing, he left his office to start stalking the halls. His wondering feet and unfocused mind led him to Gunn’s office. Knocking on the door, Angel heard shuffling and whispers before Gunn finally gave permission to enter a few seconds later. As Angel opened the door, he saw Faith sitting in front of Gunn’s desk; he could smell pheromones in the air.

“Hey. Is this a bad time?”

“No, we were just talking about the school and all that good stuff. Have a seat, man.” Gunn motioned to the chair beside Faiths’ as he sat on the edge on the desk.

“How are the plans for remodeling going? I haven’t had a chance to look at the files today.”

Faith smiled and tried to focus on Angel. Her lunch with Gunn had gone so well, she had decided to have coffee with him afterwards. Coffee had turned into flirting and flirting would have turned into a dinner invitation if Angel hadn’t have interrupted.

Shifting in her chair to face Angel more, she said, “They’re coming along. The guys just finished knocking out a bunch of walls. I think we’ll be on schedule.”

“That’s good. How’s your stay going?”

“It’s been good. A little weird at times, but good. I picked up a real estate magazine or booklet or whatever it is, I’m going to start looking for places soon. I can’t live out of a hotel forever, I guess. I’m…figuring things out.”

Nodding, Angel was getting the distinct impression he should leave. “Well, I guess I should get back to work. I’ll send some documents to you that need your signature a little later, Faith.” Standing, he exited as they were saying the perfunctory goodbyes.

Shaking his head as he continued down the hallway, he hoped for both their sakes that they kept their relationship quiet. Angel was sure Gunn wasn’t aware of Faith’s very recent and short lived affair with Will and knew the proud lawyer wouldn’t be happy about being the second of the Wolfram and Hart employees to have romantic involvement with Faith.

He crept down the hallways so silently that anyone who thought he was human would have to rethink that assessment. It had been a long time, he reflected, since he had toured his company and watched the inner workings. Turning down random hallways, he watched as people scurried about with file folders and stacks of papers. He watched employees in the archives sitting patiently perusing old cases. He had forgotten how many people worked in his company, how many people were needed to keep it going. In a way, he was comforted by the fact that he wasn’t the only one there; he wasn’t the only one working for himself.

On his way back to his own office, he stopped on the floor that now held Will’s temporary office. Opening the door a little, he saw the man sitting at his desk in borrowed clothes absently staring at a case in front of him. Entering the room entirely, Angel sat in the straight backed chair in front of the desk. He looked around the room, not entirely sure of the decorating skills of the person who had previously inhabited it. Angel regretted sometimes that he hadn’t filled every position that had previously existed after he had taken over. Many of the offices that were once inhabited by low level executives stood empty, which meant that many of Angel’s people had taken on extra responsibilities.

“You look bad.”

“I feel like death.” There was a long pause as they both sat in the office, staring at the walls in front of them. “I wish sometimes, that I had never gotten the soul. I would have been…well I would have been trying to kill you all these years. But I wouldn’t hurt so badly. I wouldn’t want what I want so badly.”

Nodding, Angel sighed. “It doesn’t hurt when you have no conscious. But it doesn’t feel as good either. The lows are ten times lower but the highs…”

“Aren’t as high. I remember what it used to feel like…to hunt and kill and torture. After days of stalking a prey, to finally take them. I remember that feeling. The freedom of it. I feel…chained, Angel. I feel like I killed the demon, but I still have a part of me that wants to feel that freedom again.”

Angel was surprised. He hadn’t thought Will remembered his days of being a vampire in such a pragmatic manner. As Angel considered what Will had said, though, he had to agree that the freedom of doing whatever he wanted whenever he wanted was something he could miss if he allowed himself to do so. Having a conscious meant being compelled to do certain things that he found painful. Selflessness was hard, Angel reflected, selfishness was much easier. A lack of responsibilities, a lack of general caring about anything was invigorating, it was freeing.

Angel sighed once again before he spoke, “It’s like being tied to a huge boulder that you can’t move. You can see other people and they don’t have boulders, or they have really small boulders they can carry around, but you’re trapped just where you are. I feel like…like I’m drowning in commitments. I could miss it if I thought about it. I could miss the freedom. But I wouldn’t trade this for that, you know? I could never trade.”

“Me neither. But…this is so hard. Feeling like this is so hard.”

“She’ll come around,” Angel said quietly, “give her time.”

“I feel like I’m running out of that. I’m going to die, Angel. I’m going to get gray and wrinkly and disgusting, and I’m going to die. I want to live before that happens.”

“We’ve got about fifty years left, I guess. If we aren’t killed by demons or hostile takeovers, that is.”

“Fifty years…that isn’t a long time. We’ve been alive for over two hundred. I mean…I can’t imagine it ending.”

“I can’t imagine it not ending. Aren’t you tired? I’m tired. I think I’m going to like dying. I mean, not coming back, not watching everyone else around me die. I think I’m going to like just being a person for once. What’s more human than death? It’s like the ultimate initiation into the race.”

“I don’t like the way you think.”

“Me neither most of the time.”

They sat for a time in silence until Angel rose and nodded a goodbye to Will. Leaving the office, he walked slowly back to his own. Once there, he packed his briefcase silently and left once again after writing a note to his secretary to send certain papers to Faith. It was time he confronted Buffy. He could no longer to afford to waste time waiting for his problems to fix themselves.

The drive was silent; he was too busy planning speeches in his head to listen to the radio. Once he was parked in the drive, he sat for a few minutes trying to get his courage up. As he was about to get out of the car, though, he saw Connor coming out of the house. Bracing himself for a knock-out, drag-down fight, he waited for his son to get in the car.

Connor sat in the passenger seat, his hands on his knees. When he spoke, it was with a controlled and even voice. “You’re a jerk. I don’t like you. You think you know best for everyone and you don’t. You don’t even know what’s best for you. But…you’re my father. My biological one, anyway, and I have a half sibling on the way. I have a…step-mom, I guess, that I like. Sometimes, I like hanging out with you. You’ve been more helpful than you had to be throughout all this. So…I just wanted to tell you that.

I talked to Buffy, she’s not as crazy now. I told her some stuff. Angel, I’m loosing my memories and I don’t think there’s anything I can do about it. Soon, all I’ll know is you. So, I don’t want to screw it up. I don’t want to be mad at you over stuff that I suppose doesn’t really matter all that much. You were a big jerk to go off like that and not take me. But, I get why you did it. You were wrong but you had decent motivation. So, anyway, I’m not mad and I want to try and be normal with you. You know, like not killing each other normal. So, I guess I’ll talk to you later.”

Without another word, Connor got out of the car, leaving Angel slack jawed and staring at the passenger seat. Too overwhelmed to really process all of what Connor had said, he slowly exited the car and started into his house, hoping perhaps that whatever epiphany Connor had experienced was contagious and Buffy had become affected as well. If not, though, he would settle just for a lack of flying tables.

. . .

Chapter 48

She hadn’t laughed so hard in months; Gunn was a very funny man, Faith mused. Dinner had been going exceptionally well, and for once in her life Faith felt like a lady instead of a warrior. She was dressed in black slacks and a black button-down shirt. Even her shoes were feminine, which she also liked to call stupid. Fred had loaned her the top and the pants had come from some place downtown Angel had recommended. All in all, Faith felt her night was going very successful.

Years of loneliness of frustration had softened the chosen woman. Her predilection for violence had lessened somewhat and her desire to be stationary had started to enhance. Moving around the globe had made her weary. Every city and every new face had blended together into years of anonymity; she found it tiring. Throughout her childhood, she had tried to blend into the background at home to escape the wrath of her volatile mother but in public had fought to be recognized as strong and daring. In her adolescents, after she had been called, she had perfected the methods of standing out. Now, she thought, perhaps she would be able to find an in between she could fit happily into.

Her love of black eye liner had diminished as her love of the outdoors had grown. It wasn’t until she had been hiking Mont Blanc during her trek of Europe that she had realized what city life had robbed her of. Soot and smog covered starry skies had become her usual surroundings; throughout her three years of freedom, she had discovered there was another way. During the time she had been in China directly after her breakup with Robin, she had decided to travel to Tibet. It was then that she understood the peace Giles had rambled on about so often.

The stories of Tibetan monks had always seemed to her to be ridiculous. She had doubts that anyone could walk hot coals with a straight face or heal twice as fast as normal people. It was there, though, that she learned of biofeedback and meditation. Meditation was still something she struggled with; action was much easier than rest for the slayer, but biofeedback she had taken to as a duck to water.

Learning patience, training to strike after planning and expressing her anger in constrictive ways had taken time. She had been frustrated often at how slow of a pupil she had seemed. Now, though, she was proud of herself for the first time in her life. She felt more like a person and less like a machine. Her sense of humor and impulsiveness hadn’t ebbed in the least, but she felt more on an evil keel since her time in Europe.

They were half way through their entrées when Faith realized that although she had changed throughout the years her taste buds were still the same. Whatever they were eating was not the normal fare she would have chosen, especially for a first date. Even time over seas, eating many things she could not comprehend or identify, hadn’t changed her love for good old fashioned greasy cheeseburgers and french-fries.

“What are we eating?”

“Pâté de Lapin. It’s rabbit pâté.”

Setting her fork down with practiced control, she looked at him with a crooked grin. “I’m eating little peter cotton tail? Really? I mean, not that he isn’t tasty, but…is this how you impress all your dates?”

“No…well, I mean this place is petty popular. You have to know somebody or kill somebody to get a table. I thought, well, yeah, I guess I thought you’d be impressed.”

“Have you ever met me? Gunn, let’s get out of here. Come on.” Standing with a wicked grin, she waited for him to stand as well.

A waiter rushed to them and Faith waited with incredible patience as Gunn explained the food was fine and they were not offended by anything but that he had received an urgent phone call and they had been forced to leave. Faith listened with one ear as he placated the waiter before they left. She had been too busy planning their night to pay much attention to the conversation.

Once in the parking lot, Gunn put his hands in his pockets and started for his car. “What now?”

“I’m hungry. And if we can swing by my place so I can change, we can go to a real restaurant. One that serves things I can identify.”

He would have been offended if not for her smile. She was disarming when she wanted to be, he realized. It was perhaps what made her so deadly. She escorted him to her hotel room when they arrived there and she changed quickly into jeans and a black tube top. He was still wearing his suit, but discarded the tie and jacket in the car.

Shaking out her hair, she stretched her arms above her head and turned the radio to a rock station. She watched him as he watched her. She could tell he was intrigued.

“You’ve never met a woman like me, have you?”

“I knew someone similar once. But she was kind of evil.”

She prickled a little at that but tried very hard to keep him from seeing her reaction. “What happened?”

“Isn’t it bad form to talk about exes on a first date?”

“Lunch was our first date, this is our second. Spill about the me-clone.”

He laughed. “Okay. Her name was Gwen; she was a professional thief. Beautiful, intelligent, a bad-ass. My kind of woman, you know? Well, it didn’t work out due to the whole professional thief thing. I wanted a woman I could be with. She wanted a man to help her out for a little while. It just didn’t work.”

“I get that. So, I’m your kind of woman, huh?”

“Definitely.” He gave her a rather stunning smile, which was quickly returned by the woman in the passenger seat.

The steakhouse Faith had wanted to visit was one she had read about in some trashy magazine that had been at the airport. Waiting for a cross over flight to L.A. had almost driven her mad; her sanity had survived on Britney Spears news and gossip rags alone. One article had outlined every great to place to eat in a few great cities of the world. Los Angeles had been one.

Her mouth was watering as they were seated. The wait would have been long if Gunn had not had lunch there with a very high power judge earlier in the week. Some of the people he worked with in the city were very big fans of red meat and their illustrious status meant that people thought he was important too. It made it easy to get great tables and short notice reservations. Their orders were taken quickly and Faith was finally able to get the beer she had been too self-conscious to order at the French restaurant.

“This is my kind of place.”

“I’ll have to remember that. Tell me something else about you. I know about the last few years overseas and that you had a record we had expunged. Tell me something else.”

She pushed her finger through the condensation rings that formed on the table under her glass. “Well, my favorite color is blue even though I always wear black. I like dogs; I was never much of a cat person. I’m an Aries, and I like staking vampires and eating chocolate cake.” Tipping her glass in his direction she took a drink and smiled.

“That’s it, huh? I don’t buy it. You’re more than all that.”

“Not really. No great enigma here.”

“Bull. What do you do for fun?”

“Work out, kill evil things.”

He laughed slightly, but he was starting to become concerned. “For fun, Faith. Not what you have to do.”

“That is my idea of fun. Why, what do you do?” She was starting to feel her nerves rise within her. This man was serious about breaking down her layers, she thought, and that scared her very much. Letting people in wasn’t something she considered herself good at.

“I like movies, I play basketball, I swim. I like the ocean.”

“Me too.” She tried to portray confidence to the man across from her but something was picking at her brain. Not knowing quite what was throwing her off her game; she cleared her throat and straightened in her seat. She was going to show this man what a real woman was, she vowed.

“Tell me about things that make you happy.”

Her vow quickly dissipated. “Happy? Let’s see…sex makes me happy. At least for a little while. Hiking in the mountains, white water rafting, sky diving made me happy when I tried that. I don’t know, a lot of things, I guess.”

She was lying through her teeth and he knew it. He doubted that this was a woman who was happy often or for very long. “You are one strange enigma, Faith. I mean, you’re obviously the kind of girl that gets what she wants. But you want a lot of things. Things that you aren’t sure you want to get.”

“Thanks Freud. Let’s turn this table on you. Tell me something about you.”

He cleared his throat and leaned back in his seat. “My name is Charles Gunn. I started fighting the good fight back before I was old enough to have a driver’s permit. I ran with a street crew for a long time before I met up with Angel. I had a sister, but she was turned into a vampire. Angel gave me a job and a new purpose. I got my law degree in about an hour; the info was just kind of booted into my brain. I like my job but I kind of wish I had more free time.

I hate boats but I love the ocean. I used to only play ball before I started watching hockey with Angel. I like that too now. My favorite color is green and I’m a Scorpio. I like dogs, cats freak me out. My favorite city is Las Vegas; I go there whenever I can. I listen to rap, hip-hop and jazz, though the jazz thing is relatively new. I’m a great dancer and sex makes me happy.”

She had to laugh. “Okay, okay. At least we’re compatible. I swung by Vegas once, I liked it there a lot. We both like dogs and sex and the ocean. What a coincidence.”

“That describes about a million other people in this state.” He was staring at her expectantly.

“True. Alright…I grew up in Boston. My dad wasn’t around after I was born and my mom was a drunk. She still is. I got slapped around a lot and when I got this whole slayer power thing I went a little nuts. I got into trouble, started working for an evil demon guy and then was in a coma for a long time.

Angel saved my life a few times and I owe the big lug. Buffy gets under my skin, but I think I love the little princess. I’ve traveled since Sunnydale fell into the center of the Earth, and I went to pretty remote places after I broke up with Robin. How about that?”

“Better. I want to know what I’m dealing with right up front. I like you, Faith, especially your brutal honesty.” He was smiling as he sipped his drink. This was the kind of woman he could dedicate hours to investigating. He wanted to know just what made her tick.

“You don’t know me well enough to know that I’m brutally honest.”

“I can tell already,” he said as their meals were delivered.

She bit into the first piece of a delectable steak that had been delivered. They ate for a few minutes in silence until Faith looked up and saw Gunn grinning like a Cheshire cat. “What?”

“I’m not normally this strong when I come on to women. I like to take my time. You know, get a synopsis up front and then take a while to think it over. With my last girlfriend, I dated her for a long time before she even saw my apartment. I was pretty closed off with her. That didn’t work, as you probably figured out since I’m no longer with her. Let me know if I’m coming on too strong, though, ‘cause that might not work out either.”

Leaning back, she sipped her beer as she swallowed a piece of steak. “You aren’t too strong. Most men pussyfoot around it. They think I’ll keep coming back to see if they’re interested. The thing is, I don’t give a damn if you’re interested or not.” Her confidence was bolstered, “I’m interested in you and that’s all that matters.”

“Is that a fact?”

“It is.” She smiled ear to ear. She felt like a woman, a powerful woman. She felt a kind of power very different from the kind that allowed her to kill demons and drive wood into vampires. This power was the kind of power that came with confidence and a sense of knowing who she was. She liked this power and was hoping intensely she could hang on to it for a little while longer; it was addictive.

Dinner progressed rather smoothly to desert which progressed quickly to patrol in a cemetery. Faith thought that was the most perfect way to end a date. Her wavering emotions, which turned from self-consciousness to confidence, had started to wane. Confidence was now her overwhelming feeling. Keeping her self control about her and remembering her mistake with Will, she smiled a seductive smile but did nothing else when he dropped her off late in the night. She was going to wait with this one, experience had taught her that was best.

. . .

Chapter 49

A puffy eyed and pouting Buffy was curled in the corner of the couch. Fighting to keep from wincing, Angel approached cautiously. Her arms were crossed and the look on her face was very expertly convincing Angel that he should proceed with care.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

He sat on the chair catty-corned to where she was sitting. “I didn’t think it was that big of a deal. I know that I was wrong. I’m sorry Buffy.”

“Why didn’t you tell me Cordelia was alive? I went through your credit card receipts this afternoon and I swear, Angel, if Connor hadn’t told me what was going on I was going to get on a plane and go to Willow’s. I thought you were dating another woman! You paid for her apartment and her clothes and all this stuff. You took her to dinner on the nights that you were supposed to be working late. What am I supposed to think?”

“I would never cheat on you, Buffy! Do you know how much I love you? Do you have any idea what I would do for you? I promised her not to tell anyone, I thought you would know me well enough to know that I would never hurt you like that!”

“Don’t turn this around on me! You were a huge ass for not telling me something was up. I thought you were being all secretive because of something bad. You have been known to do that on occasion, you know. Angel, you have to tell me things! You have to come to when you are hurt or need to talk to somebody. I can’t be the person you go to when things are great, that won’t work.”

“I get that. I screwed up, okay? I get that. Buffy, I love you. I want to be with you forever. I know that I’ve been a lousy partner lately but I want to change all that. I talked with Cordy and she isn’t the person I thought she was and I’ve been living in the past. I want to live here, with you, right now. No more thinking how great things were and how much I miss them. Things are great now and I know that. I want to be a better man, Buffy! You make me want to be a better man!”

She sniffed and wiped her nose with a balled up tissue she was pretty sure had been in her hand for almost half an hour. Wrinkling her nose in distaste, she threw the offending article to the coffee table. “Connor fixed the table. And a glass guy is coming tomorrow to fix the door.”

“That’s great. Buffy, I don’t give a damn about the door! Do you still love me?”

She looked at him in shock. “Of course I still love you, you idiot! I will always love you. I have loved you since I was sixteen! I will never stop loving you. But sometimes, Angel, I just really want to hit you so hard you won’t wake up for a while.”

“Okay…I can understand that. If I were you I would want to hit me too. Buffy, I’ve had an epiphany. Really, I have. Will you…will you give me another chance?”

“Well now that I know you aren’t cheating on me, of course I will. I’m just really upset Angel. You should have told me what was going on. I want this relationship to be open and honest and I want us to tell each other things. I don’t want to be your wife when you feel like it. I want to be your wife all the time.”

“I want that too.” Rising, he made his way to the couch and sat gingerly next to Buffy. “I want you, Buffy. I want to watch our baby grow; I want to have a family with you.”

“You have a lot of groveling to do, you know. You can start with making me a peanut butter and banana sandwich. Then you have to rub my back.”

Smiling, he kissed her hands as he stood. “I can do that. I promise you, Buffy, no more secrets. I’ll tell you anything you want.”

A strange look crossed her face before she smiled. Following him into the kitchen, she sat at the table and put her feet on another chair. Drying her eyes and wiping her nose with a tissue she found in her pocket, she prepared what she considered his first act of penance. She wanted to make him work for her forgiveness a little, even if she had already internally forgiven him.

“Anything? Okay…Will told me that you two used to, what did he call it? Oh yeah, you two used to ‘jam’ together. What about that?”

He nearly dropped the knife he was using to spread peanut butter. “I’ll kill him. When did he tell you that?”

“Does that matter? I talk to people, you know. Spill.”

“He asked me to teach him to play the piano. He taught me some guitar chords.”

Her jaw was slack. “You play the piano? Why did I not know this?”

“It never came up?”

Sitting next to her, he pushed the plate in front of her with a hopeful look on his face.

“Uh huh. Seriously, what haven’t you told me? I mean, we left a lot unsaid in Sunnydale. We never actually got to move to the whole, get-to-know-each-other-in-depth thing. And we still haven’t done it. Why is that?”

He thought for a moment before answering. “Well, I think we just became complacent. I think we thought we knew each other. I mean, we love each other. I would do anything for you, Buffy. But love doesn’t mean that we know each other as well as we should. I forgot that.” Staring hard into the wood grain, he finally looked up after a few seconds of listening to her chew. “Okay, what do you want to know?”

“What don’t I know? What don’t I know about you?” She spoke in between mouthfuls of peanut butter and bananas.

“Umm…that’s a tough one. Well, I can play the piano. I was alive, well not alive exactly, but I was on this planet for a long time. And for a long time I had a soul and no purpose. I went almost one hundred years just hanging out; I didn’t fight the good fight. I had a lot of free time on my hands. A hundred years is a long time to learn new things.”

Swallowing quickly, she pointed to her mouth and made a drinking motion with her hand. Angel was up and pouring her milk before she had finished the movement. Drinking the milk, she swallowed again and tried to get the peanut butter off the roof of her mouth before speaking again.

“Okay. You learned things. Like what?”

“I got into music for a while. I still am into music; I just don’t have any time to enjoy it anymore. I found out I like to read, I like to draw. I always liked to draw; I was just too busy killing and maiming and do it before I had my soul.”

“You never draw anymore.”

“I do. I just do it in private. It’s cathartic. It’s like therapy, and I think that should be private. I draw sometimes for other people; I used to do it when I had Angel Investigations. I would draw what Cordy described in her visions. Now, though, I just do it to relax. I draw what I see or what I’d like to see.”

“Show me something.”

He paused and considered his response carefully. “Well…I have something for you but I’m waiting until the baby’s born to give it to you. It’s kind of a vision of the future kind of thing. Not a real vision, just an image. I wanted it to be a surprise. I have others, though. I have a sketchbook I keep in the office.”

“Will you show me sometime? I want to know you, Angel. I want to know what you like and what you do.”

“Okay. I can show you them tomorrow. After breakfast.”

Intrigued, she finished the last bite of her sandwich and rubbed her burning eyes. Crying all day had taken its toll on her. Leaning back in the chair and trying to look impassive, she relaxed her shoulders before speaking. “Keep going. I want to here more.”

He laughed nervously and stood to fidget with things in the kitchen. After a few moments, he started making coffee in a very slow and methodical way. It soothed him. “I like cars. I’d love to restore some old seventies hot rods. I don’t have time for that, though. I like hockey. I’m a great skater.” He paused when he was done preparing the coffee and just watched it start to drip into the carafe. “We never got to go skating,” he said in a low and regretful voice. There was a lot he regretted when it came to Buffy.

She looked at the table and felt more tears coming. She had thought she had cried all her tears away earlier in the day, but her body had found a reserve. “Yeah…we never got to do things like that. We never got to be a normal couple.”

“We were never a normal couple. Maybe, though, maybe we could do things like that, after the baby’s born. We could go on vacations, too. We could be a real family. We’ll go skating; we’ll go to the beach, the movies, the Alps. We’ll do all the things that we could never do before.”

“That would be nice.” He voice was soft and had a whisper like quality to it as she spoke. “We missed out on a lot, didn’t we?”

He finally turned to her and leaned against the counter. “We experienced a lot, too, though, Buffy. We went through things that made us into the people we are today. I’m not sure I would have changed things. Well, I would have changed the whole turning evil and killing people thing, but not mush else.

I think I had to leave Sunnydale. I had to figure out who I was. For all the years I have been on this Earth, Buffy, I have never before now understood who I was and what I wanted. Our time apart made me grow into a new person. And Buffy, if we hadn’t have separated, you would have gone through life so differently. Who’s to say it would have been better?”

“I can’t think about that. It would have been better because we would have been together. I don’t want to focus on that, though. I want to focus on now. Let’s do something. Let’s do something that couples do.”

Looking towards the ceiling, Angel cocked his head to the side. “Can we do something families do? I think Connor needs that. I know he needs us right now. Let’s do something as a family.”

“Is that what we are? I mean, Angel, Connor is a wonderful young man. But, can we ever be a family? Can he ever look at me that way?”

Walking to his lover, Angel sat next to her and put his hands on hers. “He already loves you. There is no question about that. The question is whether you and I can not screw this up. Mainly, if I can avoid screwing it up. I think we can be a family. If you’re willing.”

“Of course I am. I want that. I want him to be a part of this. I want us to all be good together.”

“Good.” He kissed her before she could say anything else. Holding her closely, he kissed her passionately, deeply. He wanted to take her upstairs and make love to her, but he sensed she wouldn’t be up to the exertion after her emotionally trying day.

Standing, he took Buffy’s hand and led her to couch. She wasn’t in much condition to go out, and he was in no mood to do so. Calling up the stairs, he waited for a perturbed Connor to come to the top of the landing.

“Come downstairs. Let’s do something normal and boring.”

Walking down the stairs with a look that was obviously meant to convey he thought Angel was insane, Connor conceded to the request. Looking at a tired and blotchy faced Buffy, he smiled. They were making up, he realized. More than anything, at that moment Connor wanted his father and step-mom to be happy. Sitting in an overstuffed chair, he swung his legs over the armrest and looked expectantly at Angel.

Handing the remote to Buffy, Angel went into the kitchen to retrieve coffee and make popcorn. He could hear Buffy and Connor arguing already over what pay-per-view movie to rent. Smiling to himself, Angel felt as if years of chains were starting to be removed from his ankles. There was a possibility that he was going to have a real, and almost normal, family. Normal, he thought, was optional.

. . .

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