Angel's Secrets

Fanfiction Archive

1:13 am

By Monica Vanessa Martinez

Summary: The untold story of an Angel Investigations case that occurred five years ago. The one girl that Angel couldn't save returns in this first person account of how Angel couldn't save her.
Disclaimer: I own nothing, the characters aren't mine, blah, blah, blah. Please don't sue.
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Angel sat alone in the dark. With only the glow of the computer screen to light his face. He was terrified. Men don't get terrified easily you know. Especially a man like Angel. You see he was no man at all. He was a vampire. With a soul. An indentured servant to the good forces of the earth. Sentenced to roam the earth for all eternity atoning for his sins by saving the world one person at a time.

See it was his job to make things right in this world, to make things click. See his job was to help the helpless and bring hope to the hopeless. To be the knight in shinning armor. To save the damsel in distress. That's where I come in.

I'm the damsel that you don't hear about. I'm not the one he falls in love with and we live happily ever after. No? No, that's not me. You see I'm the one he couldn't save...


"Angel Investigations we help the hopeless," said a cheery voice on the other end of the phone when I first called. I was hopeless and they were my last resort. When the police fail to protect you and when you have nowhere to turn in the City of Angels you call Angel Investigations. Fitting isn't it? "Angel?" I asked. "No I'm Cordelia Chase, the office manager. Please hold and he'll be right with you."

The woman put me through. "This is Angel how can I help you?" "I heard you deal with the well um... unnatural? Well my problem is as unnatural as they come. Can you help me?"

My answer arrived ten minutes later in the form of a house call by none other than Angel himself. "So what's the problem," Angel asked when he sat for a cup of coffee I offered him. "Well I have this boyfriend. He's well a nice guy most of the time. Well he's actually always nice to me. The real 'bring him home to Mom' type. But lately..." I hesitated. At that point Angel jumped in, "I can't help you if you don't tell me what's wrong."

"I'm scared. And as much as I want to tell you what's going on I can't help but think you won't believe me. I know you say that you deal with the unnatural and all but I mean it's pretty far fetched." "Go on." "I think that my boyfriend is a demonic being and has been killing innocent women as part of some ritual and I'm next." I felt foolish telling him but he simply looked at me, "OK I'll call the office and we'll get to work on it. Could I borrow your phone? I hate cell phones."


"Two days of straight research and all we have is a bunch of missing girls. Angel how do we know that he's killing them if no bodies have turned up? For all we know this girl is crazy and none of these are killings. Why do you think he's killing them?" Cordelia asked as she impatiently scrolled through lists of online police files. "Because Patricia said he killed them." Angel defended. "No need to defend me Angel," I stepped in. Cordelia blushed at the thought that I had heard the whole conversation.

"No need to feel bad Cordelia. I wouldn't believe me either. And the fact that I only see the deaths in dreams. How can I honestly expect you all to believe me? You don't even know me," I exited the room, saddened.

For the past month I'd been having dreams of girls being murdered. The girls always looked similar, always were taken to the same place and were killed the same way. At first I thought they were nightmares but they happened once a week, always on the same night and I always woke at the same time 1:13 am.

I suppose Angel gave Cordelia a scolding look because I heard her yelp, "What?" Then I heard Angel call out to me as I headed towards the lower level of Angel Investigations where I had been staying.

"Patricia," Angel called but I refused to answer. Finally he caught up to me. He grabbed me by the arm and spun me around. "I believe you and I trust you," Angel reassured me. "Well you shouldn't. Don't! Don't trust me, don't listen to me and don't help me. Just leave me alone," I said and tried to push away. "Why?" Angel asked catching me again. "Because it's not him. He didn't kill those girls it's me. I'm doing it," I confessed. The night before that the dream had been different. Instead of seeing the murders I saw the murderer. It was me.


"Angel man, this is dangerous," Doyle said as if Angel didn't know already. They were both busy tying me up. "I've sent Cordelia home. You can only kill women for the ritual right. So me and Doyle are safe and we'll prove to you that it's not you doing it," Angel said ignoring Doyle and focusing in on me.

"And what if it is me? What are you going to do, Angel, tie me up every night of my life," I answered his remarks.

"It's not you. And even if it is. It's your boyfriend who is the demon. He's controlling you some how," Angel tried to comfort me. I sighed. I knew I was doomed. I tried to make him see, "Angel in a court of law the evidence will show me. My DNA, my finger prints. I'm all over the crime scenes. I'm going down for the four murders even if I'm not the one. I can't tell the jury that my boyfriend is a demon and was controlling me, even if that is the truth. They think I'm crazy." "Well that would work miracles for an insanity plea," Doyle commented.


Angel sat alone in the dark. With only the glow of the computer screen to light his face. He was terrified. Men don't get terrified easily you know. Especially a man like Angel. That's how you know that my case wasn't like the others. He was actually afraid of me. Not for what I had done. Four murders are nothing for the infamous Angelus. Angel was terrified of what I would do to myself I knew that I had killed those four missing girls. Because he knew that I was the one who had done it.

"The pictures on the police website you hacked into show that it was me huh?" I asked Angel when I walked into the room. He didn't answer so I went on, "The piece of fabric in the girls' fists match the shirt I was wearing three days ago that we met. It was me."

"How'd you get out and what did you do with Doyle?" Angel asked still not looking at me.

"Knocked him out. Don't worry he's not dead: it wouldn't serve my purpose. Now I need you to give me Cordelia's address so that I can finish the ritual and get on with my life. She's the perfect one for the end of the ritual." "You know I'm not giving her up. Why even ask," Angel confronted. "Fine I'll just go find another girl," I said and I tired to exit. "Patricia, I can't let you do that," Angel tried to block my way.

It was an unfair fight. See I had nothing to fear. Not even death but Angel had friends. Doyle and Cordelia. I had nothing and no one left. And when you have nothing to lose, you're invincible. The fight started off with punches at first. I landed all of mine. He was blocking some of my punches but made no effort to hit me. He wasn't fighting back.

"Come Angel. Show me that side of you that is just like me... Show me the killer in you. Then we'll fight fair. Killer to killer," I egged him on. He still wouldn't fight. "Patricia," he called to me but I kept trying to fight him. "Come Angelus. Fight me. You know you want to. Huh? I'll make it worth your while. If I win you tell where Cordelia is. If I lose you get to drink of human again. Come Angel."

Angel didn't move to fight. He didn't even look effected by my words. "Patricia. The ritual is over. You only needed the hearts of four women and your boyfriend and all his kind could open the Portal of Owehawn. They jumped through the portal three nights ago. The night you called. The reason you were able to come to me for help is because you were no longer under his hold. The reason you remember the crimes is because the spell has ended. Patricia you're free." "No! he's still controlling me. That's why I have to kill. That's why I need to find Cordelia. That's why you have to tie up and that's why... why... I have too. It's in me. Ihave... I have to. I have to kill."

"Patricia," Angel said my name yet... it wasn't me. I don't know who I was. I was far away from the Patricia I knew. "No I'm a murderer. I have to," I was on the verge of tears. I couldn't finish my sentence. "You hit Doyle, you want to kill Cordelia and you wanted to fight me so that I would kill you. You can kill other people, that's easy huh? But you can't do the right thing and end it yourself. You can't live with what your boyfriend turned you into so know you want me to make it easy for you. You go after what I love so that I'll kill you. When I kill you, we both win. You win because you don't have to face up to your sins and I win because I saved my friends but guess what. We both lose. Because you don't have to atone for your sins and I don't save you."

I was crying full out at the point. "Save me," I cried and tumbled to my knees, no longer being able to hold up my own weight. Crying on the floor, Angel left me and said, "Save yourself."


The trial was quick. Angel got me a high price lawyer, Lindsey Mc Donald. But even the power of Wolfram and Hart I couldn't get off scott free.I was sentenced to 5 years in a mental hospital. That's where I wrote this story. Many who read it may think it's fiction. The nurses laugh and say I should become a novelist. They say it's great fiction and some days when I'm in my little room at the hospital I think it is too.

But it's not. I guess everyone has a low point in there life and they want nothing more than to write it off as a bad dream or a good fiction novel but that can't help anyone.

Today I get out of the hospital a new woman. I have a lot to live for now. Not like that night at Angel's. I'm walking the streets of LA. I have no idea where I'm going and I won't know until I get there.

When I arrive what will I say? What will I do? But not only that... What will he say? Will he be that same? Where is this leading? The beauty of this is I don't have to know all the answers yet.


I enter the door of the Wolfram and Hart. I make my way over to the receptionist. "I'm here to see Angel um... " I begin but am cut off by a strong voice behind me. "You're thirty minutes late. I was about to send someone to look for you," Angel chided as I were a four year old who strayed too far from home. "Angel I came out of a hospital not out of my mothers womb. I don't need a babysitter," I protested. "Let's go to my office," Angel said.

We entered the room and I was in awe. The curtains were wide open and Angel didn't burst into flames, "Angel are you still a... " I began. "Yes I'm still a vampire. It's special glass," Angel informed. "So what's new?" I asked after the quietness that had set in became too much to bare. "Everything. I wanted to tell you all about it in our letters and my all too few visits. But well a lot of it's hard to take. Some I don't even think you'd believe me." "I can't help you if you don't tell me what's wrong. Go on," I said mimicking the way Angel had wanted me to confide in him on our first meeting.

This was like our first meeting. He was meeting with the new me or the real me. I was no longer the damsel.

"Well Doyle died saving the lives of a lot of people. Cordy inherited his visions. Buffy's ex watcher joined our ranks. Wesley is his name and we also got a new guy named Charles Gunn, street smart and via magic a lawyer. I had a son but used the magic powers of the law firm to erase him from everyone's memory except my own. I gave him the real family he deserved. Then Cordelia is in a coma - has been for about a year now. Oh we picked up a brilliant scientist named Winifred. And... ."

Angel went on and on for hours. We caught up. I told him how I'd changed. How I'd forgiven myself for my crimes. How I'm atoning for my sins. I told him about my time in the hospital. About writing this story. That led to talking about that night.

We talked about that night and Angel said he felt awful for leaving me on the floor crying. But I told him that was the nicest thing he'd ever done for me. You see he told me that I had to save myself and that was true.

I was the untold story. The one he couldn't save...

Yet my story has been told and it was because of what he did. Because he made me realize that I had to save myself that am I here today to tell this story. So I finish this story at 1:10 am.

Angel sits alone in the dark. With only the glow of the computer screen to light his face. At 1:13am a blinking message and electronic voice lets him know he has e-mail. He hit's the forward button and with that my story has been told and will be told to hundreds. That's the perks of knowing a guy who owns a business with its own publishing company. Funny though, they only print and sell fiction novels...

The End

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